Part Of The Plan
by Killer Mike's Biggest Fan
Summary: Nothing ever seems to go as planned...but when events and decisions throw you into your own...


TITLE: PART OF THE PLAN (Intro)

AUTHOR: Killer Mike's Biggest Fan

DISCLAIMER: I don't own em. Well, the names you don't know, I do.

DESCRIPTION: When you have everything, you still have nothing and it renders you powerless.

I'm not the most honest guy in the world.

I do what I'm supposed to do, but not all the time. I don't know if it's because I'm looking for something quick to keep me going, or change to keep my life in perspective. For example, I can admit I'm cheating on my fiancé. I'm not proud of admitting I fall to stress and temptation, but shit happens. But with her, it's not supposed to. Don't get me wrong, moving to from Brooklyn to Manhattan for the job wasn't the cause either, but I can dictate the exact moments that made my life collapse. Coincidently, I made a bet with my childhood friend, Lt. Tavon Massey that we would never make it as cops. And I lost. Obviously. But putting us in the same precinct was not the brightest idea, 1PP. It's crazy because he's the one person that knows me inside and out, better than my mom or my girl.

He can just sense when shit goes wrong with me. First time I got him really roped into my shit was when he got a call from Sasha around 2 asking if he'd seen me. Of course, I was doing something-someone I wasn't supposed to, and I have my faults. He covered for me, and just told me not to have him lie to her anymore. I fell through that too. I once heard somebody say that money/power doesn't change the mind, it only changes the circumstances. And I have control over the lower part of Manhattan. Fuck dirt – with me, it's mostly about the mud trails.

I made a promise to 3 people in the same day; I'd never become the man my father was. That was to myself, my mother, and to Sully. I lied. I'm every bit the liar and corruptor he was and it hurts me to go through with it, but I jumped shipped with no intentions of turning back. Before Brendan's dad committed suicide, Sully was set to testify against him to settle something that was right.

"Guilt's a bitch, ain't it?"

But what happens when you can't feel the guilt or remorse for anything you've done? I think this job has slowly turned me into a sociopath to where I don't feel anything, but have very well calculated responses to emotions of others. I've only cried for 3 people in my life (moms, pops, and Sasha) in the last few years, but Taye's the only one that's seen me do it. I cried when my girl and I found out that it was a very high chance that we would be able to conceive. It wasn't either one of us faults…it was just…something that happened. I cried when I fell out with my mom and all the anger and animosity I had built towards her carried over as an unofficial guilt trip. I got my truck out of it.

I cried the moment I realized I was turning into my father. When I covered something up and got into business with the trusted members of the NYPD and ironically, my girl's father. This shit is funny though – turns out, he's the IAB captain, but doesn't go by his last name, which is why nobody picked up on it. Apparently, her father and my father could have gone out for the same award, but he was in the house. Made no difference, so when we actually got to talking about it, I wasn't the only disenfranchised kid of a cop. She couldn't stand what he stood for and still can't, but I find myself doing the same shit.

"I never said that I was perfect/Nobody walking on this earth is" – Shyne, Confessions Remix

I know she deserves much more than that, well, she deserves everything and I think my short comings about not being able to be there for her emotionally anymore are what's taking a toll on my life. I remember the day I met her at the doc's office to hear the results of the test, and the news…everything after that was silent. My mind stopped, and I think time may have, and I saw the most defeated but maintained look on her face. My heart broke. I remember standing out in the hall and finding the floor very interesting and her walking up to me. Me exhaling and pulling her into a hug. Then I was angry, but didn't know at what. It damn sure wasn't her and I knew it was just something that happened, but I found myself angry at Bosco, like this was all his fault. I couldn't stay there…in the hallway with her, so I left. Went through the day concentrated on earlier and found myself at the bottom of a few bottles and then in someone else's bed.

To make it sad, the only reason she called Taye is because I turned my phone off and made her the promise I'd be by later. I couldn't face her after that. I overslept at 'ole girl's place too, which made it even worse. I made it home and took a shower, not even bothering to go into work. I blamed everything on the day before, but that had nothing to do with it. It was pure emotion, but which one?

My job? Laughable. Like I said earlier, whoever thought it was a great idea for the childhood friends to head up Anti-Crime and Narcotics in the same precinct must hadn't heard enough. The bigger and deeper the cases, the bigger and deeper our reps got. Trouble would soon ensue. I watched some and helped some of the best narcotic officers develop and beat addictions, but what can cure an addiction for emptiness?

I lied to my mother when I said I didn't give a shit what she did anymore. Truth is, it was…devastating. And weird. My father had 2 outside children – the sister I found out he had the second family with and a now 20 soon to be 21 year old with my mother's best friend from a one night stand. So I'm thinking that she's my little cousin, fake baby sister, and then it all comes out. And this just happened to fall on the fault line of my mother too. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. I flipped even more and added more flames to the shouting match when she told me she knew I was turning into my father and that she prayed that Sasha didn't get caught up like she did.

That hurt worse than getting slapped. Somewhere in there, I was called everything but a child of God and was told to get out of her house. I complied, but slammed the door and climbed into my 06 Suburban and sped off. That's all I remember from that night until I reached my apartment and my little sister, Cherise was sitting out there with a duffle bag. I didn't even ask, let her in, threw her a blanket and pillow and gave the couch.

I didn't go to work for 2 days and met Sasha at in Battery Park later that night and reassured her that I wasn't going anywhere. She was the only one in my life who hadn't lied to me this far.

Or so I thought.

I asked her to meet me on the Staten Island ferry because I loved how it calmed me at night. People live in the city all their lives and never see the beauty in taking the boat across…although we're from Brooklyn, we do get out. My life from THAT night on was nothing from how it'd been before. Its 2008 and I've found myself in the same trouble behind the badge and more trouble with it off. I just so happened to pick the jump off that knows my fiancé, and my mother and Sully have started…something. And any day now, I can be indicted for a number of charges.

I have it in my heart to be right, and I'm trying everything I can to turn back the hands of time. Fuck society – I just set myself up for the big 'okey doke'. And whatever it is, it's part of the plan.


End file.
